The name’s Ramrod. Duke Ramrod. When I was born the doctor looked between my mamma’s thighs and thought she was giving birth to a Cyclops. He was wrong. The blowhole the doc had mistaken for an eye was none other than Ramrod Jr.--my partner in slime. So I wasn’t a Cyclops but the two pound salami log that the doc pulled out top first was none other than J-R. Technically Junior was born three minutes before me. My small body was no match for J-R. My father told me the doc stood there amazed and embarrassed at the same time. I was the first baby ever in Beaverton to be born with a horse-sized penis.
A baby with a horse-sized penis? This was no ordinary horse-sized penis on a two pound baby though. J.R. started crying before my eyes had even opened yet. The only thing that could keep him quiet was for my mother to slide him between her legs. You can’t imagine the stress this awkward situation put on my mother but J.R. was her baby just as much as I was and she treated him as she would me--as a member of the family.
When I started to crawl, me and jr. became the best of playing buddies. When junior wanted to eat, I wanted to eat. So my mother would keep junior in her mouth while I suckled her teat. My dad couldn’t bear the sight.
“I don’t care that junior...er...uh...the penis can talk but dammit Helen...I’ll be damned if I sit here and watch you suck off a baby while Duke breast feeds.”
“But honey? I don’t have a choice.”
“Oh, ho, ho, ho. Sure, look at that dick. It’s the size of a presto log. I’ve seen you tucking him between your legs even when he’s not crying which reminds me that we haven’t had sex since Duke and that thing were born.”
“I have to do what’s best for the children.”
“The children? Do you hear yourself talking. The children!? There are no children. There’s a child with a dick the size of a...a...a really really super big gigantic dick.”
“So what? Are you gonna leave me? Was it my fault you dropped LSD unbeknownst to yours truly while you were plowing my brains out in some lysergic erotic state of euphoria. It’s not like I didn’t know. You were trying to get to the other side of my pussy while you were licking it and you were fingering my clit like a stenographer. I tried to stop you but goddammit I was dripping wet you had me so hot.”
“Oh baby. Guess who else needs to be fed. You know I’ve got a cock of my own only it doesn’t talk like some freakish disaster of science.”
“Dirk, I don’t ever want to hear you talk about your son like that again. He may be an ax handle sized penis with eyes, ears and a mouth attached to a real child but I’ll be damned if he’s still not our baby.”
Dirk slumped down on the couch next to Helen letting his arm fall across her shoulders while she held Duke close to her engorged breast and had junior tucked in the side of her mouth.
Dirks laughter began to turn to hysterics as he crouched over in tears.
“Wuney. Wups wo wunny? Weawy. Whup wiz wit?”
“Oh god. One second. Really.”
Helen stared at Dirk wanting an answer.
“Please...I mean...I k..huh...huh...I know it’s not funny but can you please not talk with junior in your mouth. I can’t understand a word your saying and do you know how ridiculous this situation is for me?”
“Fwop! For you? What about for me? What about that Mr. wannabe Timothy Leary Casanova over there. You know I’m not the only one with a mouth around here.”
Dirk sat back from Helen dazed by her implication as if a linebacker had dropped his knee into his rib cage knocking all the living air out of him.
“Honey, It’s not...well, you know..”
“Gay. Totally fucking gay! I will not am not going to put that thing...that...that...that dick in my mouth. And that’s final. No ifs ands or cocks!”
“Sure he’s a cock but he’s also your son.”
Dirk got up, walked to the fridge, cracked open a can of beer and went to sit at the dining room table.
“Jesus honey. We’re fucked. You know that. I mean...this is beyond any kind of punishment that I would have foreseen coming my way from the skies above. So help me god, if I ever see that guy who sold me the acid...”
“Oh for heaven’s sake Dirk you’ve got them both upset.”
“How can you act like everythings normal Helen? How? We’re living in the midst of a William S. Burroughs junk sickened nightmare. What I wouldn’t give to have a normal baby and have my asshole talk instead.”
“Well, I’m not putting any apples on my head. I’m not gonna let you get out of this one that easy.”
“First off, that’s wrong. The man wrote Naked Lunch for godsakes and it was an honest mistake and secondly I would never kill you.”
Dirk lurched out of his chair leaving the beer on the table and walked back over to the couch. He slouched down next to Helen and put one arm around her shoulder and began to suck the soft white part of her neck.
“C’mon let’s make up. I’m sorry baby. Things are gonna work out fine. Now let daddy have some of mamma’s milk.”
Dirk reached between the loose cotton summer dress and pulled out a melon sized breast bulging with baby blue varicose veins. Helens nipples were so tender sitting stiff as two soft pink rose buds. Dirk cupped the engorged breast softly and suckled the teat as though he were giving it a slow wet kiss. Helen squirmed and dropped Duke and Junior into their cradle as she put the arm that was around her shoulder down between her legs.
“Oh...fuck me Dirk...fuck me!”
Dirk bolted upright and in one motion had his belt buckle and jeans down around his ankles.
“Man, that titty milk makes me feel so goddammed horny baby. I swear the first drop on my tongue sent a shock right to my dick.”
Helen grabbed Dirks stiff cock, spitting in her hands she started to work on it like a well lubed piston rod.
“Oh, fuck baby. Oh, yeah. Your hands feel like a wet cunt...goddamn, I can’t take it.”
Dirk lifted Helen up and turned her around throwing the bottom of her frilly summer dress up onto her head exposing her big thick cream colored ass.
“Fuck me in the ass, daddy, fuck me in the ass.”
Dirk slapped her right flank so hard it made the babies wake up and start crying.
“I don’t care. Fuck me in the ass. Do it Dirk!”
His mouth was as dry as old paper so he put two of his fingers into Helens warm cunt and let her squirm on them while she oozed. When Dirks fingers were coated in a thick lather of cooze juice he put the finger in his mouth and worked up a good wad of spit and shout it right out of his mouth dead center onto her tiny pink balloon knot.
“Here it comes.”
“Oh, baby, don’t tell me. Just ram it in there Ramrod!”
Dirk put all twelve inches of his manlihood into Helen’s poop chute and as they began to rock back and forth like two people on a see saw the baby’s stopped crying and were calmed by the heavy breathing of their parents sodomy.
“Oh, shit that’s tight.”
“Oooo! Ram it in!”
“Goddamn it woman. Ugh!”
Dirk pushed all of his weight into Helen’s ass. She fell down on the couch as Dirk’s rod was freed from the vice like squeeze of her intestines and he shot out a frothy load. Dirk collapsed onto the couch with his pencil pointing towards the roof and almost hit his chin as he reached over to pull a cigarette out of the pocket of his pants on the floor.
“Let me have one too honey.”
“What about the baby...er..babies?”
“With a talking dick for a brother I don’t think he should have to worry about second hand smoke too.”
“You have a point.”
Both Dirk and Helen sat back and smoked.